I am actually in the office now, really tired from writing ‘store procedures’ (some script to patch tables in a database(a physical memory in computer where u store data)).. hope my explaination helps for those IT illiterate…anyway, I am all demotivated and burned out. And I want to say…’life’s aint easy, and I want to stop coping’….
For those who doesn’t know, I’ve been assigned to a project in Netherlands, Rotterdam. Am I looking forward? Not really.. and many say want to swap place with me, others said it’s a lottery. But well, I don’t feel it? Is it because I am by origin slow and the feeling will only sunk in later? Right now, I don’t feel anything besides being scare. Anyway I might not take up the role, I will have an answer tomorrow.
Anyway..yesterday the career promotion list is informally out. Once again, I am not in that list… for the 1st year, well fine, I did not work hard enough, but for the 2nd year, I have really worked my arse off. Monday to Sunday 8am till 10-11pm, sometimes till 1am 2am.., I even work when my sister was in the hospital cause they did not allow me to take leave, and on many occaosion, I work when I was on mc nose bleeding, fever flue, other times? I took over a consultant’s job when he left, took over a 3 years more senior lead’s position when he resigned, took over experts positions who are too expensive for the project when the project has no money to sustain them…. All because I was a cheap labour. I did not mind that, because naively, I thought it was an opportunity for me to learn, to show that I am capable. But the result? My manager went for holiday during my rating period, and the senior senior ones cant see what I’ve contributed, therefore, I became insignificant. And that resulted in… khoo bin wei is an ‘average’ employee. Well, why didn’t I leave the company when 5 out of 10 of them in my team left? Why was I foolish enough to take over their job and was naïve enough to think that when u have done your best reward will soon come? anyway, I m truly disappointed. I should have seen what they saw coming. DAMN!
Anyway it’s my remaining 3 days in this office. I am not sure if I am feeling glad, but I m darn relive to get out from my current damn role. But not so when it comes to friendships and parting with the ppl here. I m just so lazy to start all over, new environment, new place, new challenges, new people… feels like the energy has been drained out of me. Nothing I have done is being valued, will the same damn loop happen? I cant forseen! Help?!
since 2 months back I’ve been under that bitch, I haven’t been performing at all. I just dislike working under such ppl. I come to work in the morning no longer by 8.30, but 9.30 now, and I go home at 6.30 or 7, no longer 10pm anymore. Work on sat and sun? when I have the mood la.. ask me to die out deadlines, u beg me la. I work at my own pace now. I m not hoping anymore cause there’s just no hope here!
So why am I still in this firm? I don’t know? Ppl say in other project, life’s going to be better. But well, I really cant afford to wait year after year hoping for the next better role? I’ve got to seek it. It’s Just a matter of time and opportunity. I am all bad mood and pissed. I’ve been drained and sucked out of energy.
And I just read the news at the side of this blog, on some kitten’s eye being digged out, abused… then some of my feeling of dissentment has dissolved and I started to curse that bloody sick guy who digged out the kitten’s eye ball. Well, life’s so confusing and so difficult. Damn.
For those who doesn’t know, I’ve been assigned to a project in Netherlands, Rotterdam. Am I looking forward? Not really.. and many say want to swap place with me, others said it’s a lottery. But well, I don’t feel it? Is it because I am by origin slow and the feeling will only sunk in later? Right now, I don’t feel anything besides being scare. Anyway I might not take up the role, I will have an answer tomorrow.
Anyway..yesterday the career promotion list is informally out. Once again, I am not in that list… for the 1st year, well fine, I did not work hard enough, but for the 2nd year, I have really worked my arse off. Monday to Sunday 8am till 10-11pm, sometimes till 1am 2am.., I even work when my sister was in the hospital cause they did not allow me to take leave, and on many occaosion, I work when I was on mc nose bleeding, fever flue, other times? I took over a consultant’s job when he left, took over a 3 years more senior lead’s position when he resigned, took over experts positions who are too expensive for the project when the project has no money to sustain them…. All because I was a cheap labour. I did not mind that, because naively, I thought it was an opportunity for me to learn, to show that I am capable. But the result? My manager went for holiday during my rating period, and the senior senior ones cant see what I’ve contributed, therefore, I became insignificant. And that resulted in… khoo bin wei is an ‘average’ employee. Well, why didn’t I leave the company when 5 out of 10 of them in my team left? Why was I foolish enough to take over their job and was naïve enough to think that when u have done your best reward will soon come? anyway, I m truly disappointed. I should have seen what they saw coming. DAMN!
Anyway it’s my remaining 3 days in this office. I am not sure if I am feeling glad, but I m darn relive to get out from my current damn role. But not so when it comes to friendships and parting with the ppl here. I m just so lazy to start all over, new environment, new place, new challenges, new people… feels like the energy has been drained out of me. Nothing I have done is being valued, will the same damn loop happen? I cant forseen! Help?!
since 2 months back I’ve been under that bitch, I haven’t been performing at all. I just dislike working under such ppl. I come to work in the morning no longer by 8.30, but 9.30 now, and I go home at 6.30 or 7, no longer 10pm anymore. Work on sat and sun? when I have the mood la.. ask me to die out deadlines, u beg me la. I work at my own pace now. I m not hoping anymore cause there’s just no hope here!
So why am I still in this firm? I don’t know? Ppl say in other project, life’s going to be better. But well, I really cant afford to wait year after year hoping for the next better role? I’ve got to seek it. It’s Just a matter of time and opportunity. I am all bad mood and pissed. I’ve been drained and sucked out of energy.
And I just read the news at the side of this blog, on some kitten’s eye being digged out, abused… then some of my feeling of dissentment has dissolved and I started to curse that bloody sick guy who digged out the kitten’s eye ball. Well, life’s so confusing and so difficult. Damn.
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