Have been wanting to post something for quite a while but didnt find the inspiration and the right time to do so up until now..
well, as most of you know, i just got out from a very painful relationship.
Many would have thought..haiya..chris and one of her flings again la..haha! nothing one la..but well, only su yin, bean, zanne and sin lee have seen the worst ever sight of me!
many asked, eh chris, u lost so much weight la..how did u do it a? politely i d say, stress at work..but in my heart, i d say, u try date a bastard la..and see what will happen to you if u r as stupid as me la! haha!
but well, as i reflected and re-evaluated myself, i had so many questions bout myself. it may sound ironic, but i d always ask myself, WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU? i ask myself that when i m down, when i m lost and when i m using all my energy to climb up from the pothole..and i get different answers everytime i ask myself that.
In life, we go through many obstacles. Each and everyone of us, we ll face different obstacles. Be it big or small , when and where, well, just different obstacles. some of us may have problems at work, at home, in relationships and most of the time, with ourselves. I would say that 2009 didnt end well for me. Since Nov 09 till Feb 2010, these months were the worse ever times in my life and I ll never want to go through that path again.
When i started dating that hunky jerk, i thought he was the one. many said, oh..both of u look alike..that gave me more confidence that he was the man that i was goin to marry. we were to be married or so it seemed in Oct 2011. And what happened in Nov 09 right up to Feb, i seemed to have rescheduled my wedding to a different time and most importantly to a different man. I was dating a man who was very verbally abusive. i wasnt the chris that u guys knew back in school. ask bean and sin lee when they came over one night. i was on sleeping pills. i wanted to commit suicide. i stopped eating. i even stopped to look at myself in the mirror. i didnt go to work. let me tell u, i had 20 annual leaves in Jan. It s now only beginning of March, and i only have 6 days left. that was how terrible i was. everyone told me to leave this jerk, i didnt. u guys know how stubborn i can be. i wanted to test, re-test and re-test until i was satisfied with the results. but God saved me. and i was surrounded with so many people who loves me. i was a smart girl until i fell in love.
i thought my life fell apart..i thought my life was over. the things he says about me, or tells ppl about me..oh gosh..i cannot bring myself to believe that i fell in love with such a man.
that was only one part of my life..well, when i started this relationship also, it affected my work. i lost my focus at work, worrying bout what time his flight arrives, if he s working during the weekends, if he is, then i ll take offs during weekdays to teman him..that kinda thing. i ll leave work early, i ll not go to work..that kinda thing. i was slacking like shit. and also so much pressure from work..i just shut my career out.
but as i took the stand to leave him, not exactly, but the situations were such that we cannot be together anymore, it was very painful. Not as painful as in Dec & Jan, this time i was more prepared. I know i cannot turn back and allow this man into my life anymore. and as i took time to recover, i discovered so many other beautiful things. of course, u guys would have thought, i d discover new beautiful dicks..come on! hahahaha! well, i realised that friends played a very important role. i seriously would not have done this without su yin. i report to her every single thing. and she knows exactly how to catch me if i ve done something wrong without telling her. this time, she was and is my rock.
bean, i think just the other day, u asked me why i was keeping my distance away from u guys. well, seriously, u ve seen the worse side of me when u came over to my place that night. this time, i just didnt want to make u guys so worried bout me. and also, i wanted to clear my mind. i was utterly lost both in my career and relationship. because of this man too, i fought with my cousins, parents and bro. there were so much damages that i had to fix. i knew that if i didnt start somewhere..i would really climb some building and jump down. Reason being, i never knew i would end up in that path. letting a man destroy my life like that. I was an eagle soaring in the sky until i slowed down to let this bastard hopped on.
Now, i m almost there..up in the sky again..and i have to thank each and everyone of u for your wishes, thoughts, prayers..and being there when i needed u guys the most. bean, u are not useless, like what i told u just now, if u and sin lee didnt come over that night, i would not be sitting here writing this to u guys.
each and everyone of us are different. we have different strengths and weaknesses. we may have one thing but we do not have the other. Bean, let me tell u what i like about u. your patience and determination. u may always be angry at ky, but no one among us is as patient as u. your patience is your virtue. i m total opposite of u. i m super impulsive and that s what s always getting me into big shits. u know what u want and u know how to get there. u know if u have to wait, u would wait. look at me...everytime i see ice cream, i jump in without knowing that it would melt the next minute. and ur determination bean..is just amazing. u are so determined in your work. even when u fail, u always try to make urself better. if it was me, i would have long gone quit. the things u tell me bout ur job..being the 'prostitute' la..the 'mummy' la..i would not be able to do what u do, u know? and remember just the other day when u were so determined to hack su yin s fb account?? did u do it?? u did such a great job that even justin called u to ask u how u did it!
all of u..none of u are useless ok? and never let anyone make u think u are useless. if anyone does, tell me...i ll bloody slap that person. i know how terrible it feels when someone snatches all ur confidence away. but let me tell u, YOUR ATTITUDE DURING FAILURE WILL DETERMINE YOUR ALTITUDE AFTER FAILURE! so, when u know u are failing, ask yourself, what do u want in life? do u want to become a loser? if not, then YOU HAVE TO BECOME THE CHANGE THAT YOU WANT TO SEE! you have to take those baby steps to avoid being a loser or a failure. it s your choice, if u want to be a loser or not, it s your choice. but remember, you dont have to go through that path. have faith in yourself. you know u are way better than the you when u fail!
one thing that has also helped me return to being the normal chris is also write positive affirmations and stick them on my wall. i have tonnes of them. zanne made some for me! and it helps! just pull out A4 papers, and write positive quotes. i have lots! if u need any, just ask me for them! i have one next to my mirror that says, YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE! and another, INSTEAD OF MAKING YOU A BETTER PERSON, HE MADE U WORSE! YOU DONT NEED A BASTARD LIKE THIS! hahaha! altho lots of -ve words, but for me, it s quite positive la! hahaha! or something like this, I AM AWESOME! it works! trust me! i do this for a living! ahhahaha!
i wanna tell this to all of u, wherever u are, UK, US, AUst, Msia, Spore..wherever la..that you chicas are all beautiful in your own ways. you may not be fighting in a war, or feeding the homeless, but know that u make a difference in someone's life. u are somebody to somebody. u are all definitely somebody important to me!
I AM AN EAGLE, SO ARE YOU! we ll soar up high in the sky. anytime when u feel down, just replace the eagles faces with the chicas..all flying in the sky..u ll laugh..and that first laugh will be the first step of making you feel better!
GIIIIRRRLL POWEERR! okies..i know this is super long d..teacher wert..what to do? hahaha!
do know i love u all and u girls play a very important role in my life. and that s very true. VERY TRUE!
love u all lots!
chris..the real chris..i m back! :) thanks to u chicas! :)
